Waah aaah aaah aaaaaaah aaaaaah Taaj

It has been my dream as a child to visit Agra and see the Taj from the banks of river Yamuna at midnight. Post a set of unfortunate events, I ended up in Agra. I had to coerce AP Express’ pantry car manager to let me in and work for him at least for sometime in exchange for the ride. After much cajoling he has agreed. There I ended up mooching a ride to Agra, cooking biryani in the pantry car. I was unable to see the Taj at midnight but mid afternoon, hell to the yeah. Its sheer magnificence bewildered me and as usual I set off in a tangent with my thoughts.

My first thoughts were channeled on to a full blooded man. The only time a woman can expect a gift, I’m talking a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates or a love note for some seksay time or a crudely crafted massage certificate or a motorcycle ride in the hills or a foot rub……damn you tangents. Anyway the bigger the goof up, the better the reward. Shahjahan got the Taj built and I don’t think it needs a genius to sum things up. But I just cannot begin to fathom the monstrosity of a mistake he might have committed.

Shahjahan loved his wife, Mumtaj. For a guy (yeah yeah I know he was the emperor of India yadayadayada but he was a guy nevertheless you moron) with a harem of women from atypical parts of his empire and sent from other empires seeking friendship {I read (in Akbarnama) he had a special harem

dedicated to Iranian/Turkish women pssssst} I am not sure if I should admire his appreciation for Mumtaj or should I call it love? I mean it’s hard to pick my favorite from my past girlfriends. They are now nonexistent, no they are not dead (I aint that lucky a guy sadly) but we do not communicate on a daily basis. Just once in a while to hurl insults at each other or a few acerbic words sans the caustic rim.

Firstly, I do appreciate the guy 1) for his memory (he’s gotta remember which one is called Mumtaj) 2) for his vigor. Mumtaj was the queen or empress or Mrs. Shahjahan. What does she not have? What more needs to be given to make her happier? The logical conclusion I could end up is if shahjahan lasted a little longer. To be an emperor’s woman, you can never cheat. I mean you can, if you want to but the impending death sentence or being dropped head down from a tower or being whipped whilst being naked do not romanticize an extra marital affair. The emperor with his never ending harem, Mumtaj will never have a clue when his next conjugal visit would be. Though there are a few days like her birthday, the emperor’s birthday, may be Eid….Often times it might be a month sometimes a tad more. Then there are these wars he waged, she might have accompanied him but I just call it chance. So technically once in a month or less but bestowing a benefit of doubt for our emperor here, I shall say once a month.

Growing up, I was allowed to eat ice cream just once in a month. I used to literally and so eagerly wait for that day, make plans for the day sequencing chores in such a way I could have more time to savor the ice cream, used to think of all the flavors I can have a pick from (Baskin Robbins allows its cute customers to sample a few flavors before choosing what ice cream to have). I stretched it a bit once and even dressed up for the occasion. I oddly feel similar to Mumtaz’s setting. Mumtaj was looking for it and the right way to show Mumtaj he loved her was to ‘last’ longer. With the aforementioned issues, needless to say a life full of fervent loiter was just wasted albeit a few times. So what better a way to let a woman be happy, than

promising her a monstrosity of a monument on her name. Well I’ve heard people say you can climax by just looking at the monument, so our Mumtaj is again a happy girl.

So these were the thoughts that were in my head. Naturally I found an imminent need to share them with someone. Found a guy from the United States (remember, Americans know it all) approached him and voiced my views. To say he was flabbergasted would be sugar coating it. He drew the worse expression you could use for disgust and in a thick southern accent he just said, can ya do the same for ya girl bud? I smiled and walked away silently thinking “Ah another tangent”

As the legend goes, Shahjahan amputated the hands of Taj’s architect, his team and of the help. He resorted to such drastic action so that; the team would not replicate its finesse elsewhere. His son tried the same with a different team but everyone knows the mini Taj (at Aurangabad) is nothing but a cheap replica and does not merit a visit neither a mention.  I recently quit my job so a monument is outta

question so taking the spirit of Taj Mahal into consideration not the money or the man power that has gone into it, I thought of buying a card for my loved one. To match the emperor ill have to find the designer of the card and go amputate his arms. But shahjahan had it easy; he did not have computers or eye ball tracking devices or the likes of Stephen Hawking during his time. I have it so very tough. I’ll have to track

the designer, take his arms. Newspapers seldom report the way less abled people got lucky and started painting with his feet. The designer might use his legs to do so, what choice do I have but to amputate

his legs too. Then to make sure he does not use an eye tracking system, take his eyes out. He might verbally issue commands to a computer, cut his tongue. Well with his eyes gone, limbs torn apart, speech hampered I am not sure if there is anything he could do other than waste a seat in our crowded city buses, so I just might have to kill him.

Sameer keeps the Taj premises clean and uses the money to study. He wants to be a chartered accountant.